By P.E. Garcia
1 IN THE UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS FOR THE NINTH
2 CIRCUIT
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4 UNITED STATES, :
5 Petitioner : No.13-604
6 v. :
7 APPROXIMATELY 64,695 POUNDS OF SHARK FINS :
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9 San Francisco, CA
10 Monday, March 3, 2008
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12 The above-entitled matter came on for oral argument
13 before the United States Court of Appeals for the
14 Ninth Circuit at 10:03 a.m.
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16 APPEARANCES:
17 POSEIDON, ESQ., Mount Olympus, on behalf of
18 Petitioner
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20 ICARUS, ESQ., Crete, on behalf of Respondent
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22 THE TIDE, ESQ., (??), in support of Respondent
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1 JUDGE KOZINSKI: Our first case this morning is the
2 United States v. Approximately 64,695 Pounds of Shark
3 Fins. Mr. Poseidon, if you’ll begin?
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5 ORAL ARGUMENT OF POSEIDON, ESQ.
6 POSEIDON:
7 Your Honor, and may it please the court. You would all
8 be dead without me. The fins that slice the ocean
9 surface are only a boil on the skin, a symptom of the
10 disease. The sharks lurking beneath are waiting for
11 their moment to rise. Who do you think it is that
12 keeps them in their place? What force is it that keeps
13 them from flooding your land? What stops you from
14 being up to your knees in teeth?
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16 None but my hand.
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18 I was the bombs in Birmingham, the lynch ropes in
19 Elaine, the knife blade of Memphis. I was the rag
20 stuffed in your mouth. I keep order. I know these
21 things aren’t pretty, but such ugliness is the cost of
22 beauty.
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24 And what is more beautiful than our land?
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1 ORAL ARGUMENT OF ICARUS, ESQ.
2 ICARUS:
3 Your Honor, and may it please the court. I’m drowning.
4 Each time I open my mouth to speak, only more water
5 rushes in. Forgive me if I vomit starfish and sunken
6 treasure.
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8 I just--
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10 I don’t understand.
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12 People say I flew too close to the sun, but no-one
13 blamed the sun for being too hot or the ocean for
14 being too wet. Why then do I get admonished for being
15 my natural self?
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17 If you were trapped with nothing to do but stare out
18 a window, and then suddenly you have wings--
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20 --WINGS--
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22 Wouldn’t you fly as high as you possibly could? Why
23 is that a sin?
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1 ORAL ARGUMENT OF THE TIDE, ESQ.
2 THE TIDE:
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14 [A STEADY CRASH OF WAVES]
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1 REBUTTAL ARGUMENT OF POSEIDON, ESQ.
2 POSEIDON:
3 Fuck the court. Fuck Icarus. Fuck the tide. Fuck
4 Arkansas. Fuck Alabama. Fuck everyone everywhere at
5 any given moment.
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7 Fill the ocean with blood. Swim in the carnage. Hold
8 your head above the bodies of your brothers and
9 sisters. Let them drown. You can all drown.
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11 You can all fuck off.
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13 JUDGE KOZINSKI: Thank you, counsel. The case is
14 submitted.
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16 Whereupon, at 11:02 a.m., the case in the above-
17 entitled matter was submitted for consideration.
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Originally published at theEEEL.